25.02.26
Today marks one month since I have quit my job. I was relieved to find that only one month has passed, I was expecting for it to have
been two, three, four, which is funny considering I had been looking at my calendar for the past few days in anticipation
of this day. 25 is now symbolic of change for me. I've never been an angry person, but something about the age of 20 and the run up to it has
transformed me into a ticking time bomb. I am so explosive and so angry. Maybe it's the uncontrollable nature of everything. What happened
to best friends? It's a beautiful day outside today. Soon I will have an epiphany.
01.12.25
I think that the deep discomfort I feel is the result of the choices I have made in life. It may have to do with everything I have been
neglecting.
10.11.25
The way I write is so irritating. Just go clean please make your bed and go to the kitchen. Just do something that's not lay here.
20.10.25
I have an appointment regarding my mental health tomorrow.
14.10.25
A lot has changed. Halloween is soon. I've been planning so many costumes and I'm so excited. I have a new tattoo which will match
with one of them. I've been playing so much of The Sims 3. I'm on a gap year so I have a lot of time. Tomorrow morning I want to do some
stretches to see if it'll catch on, y'know?
14.08.25
What the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck
is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me. Trying to keep my mind occupied.
05.03.25
I want to be something great. If not that, then I want to be nothing. I went away, came back, and during all of this time I found who I really am
and lost it all over again. Which one is my true handwriting? Someone I really looked up to as a kid died. [Redacted] did some really awful things
that summer. My dad knows what it's like to hold a knife to his throat. There are no mermaids or sunshine. I can't swim.
31.07.24
My stomach hurts in a way that feels as if my soul is leaving through it. If doom is a feeling, I feel it at least once a day. The cracks
between reality and the screen's glare make me so nauseous. Please bring me comfort.
28.04.24
There are some things I don't know about myself. I don't know what to tell you. I have to remind myself all the time. [Redacted] has come
and left. I miss her? I do. I miss everyone when they leave. I cried for so long when [redacted] left. I don't like full stops. They're so
formal. I wonder what [redacted] is doing. I'm thinking about how others percieve me even as I speak to myself.
21.04.24
I've thought of many diary entries since the last one. I didn't write them. They weren't bad, I just wasn't nearby. My dad wants me to be
an actress. P.S. I have green hair and the concert was nice.
13.03.23
When I write it down, I will realise that I am like everybody else, just timid. I'm not an observant person, I get too caught up on the bigger picture. Everything
is too loud and requires too much attention. I can just relearn it. I wish I hadn't forgotten.
17.02.23
I've been trying to drink a lot of water. I think there were specific good moments but overall I don't know. I like the idea of him but I guess the reality
is too much for me.
15.01.24
It's the new year. School is doing okay, sometimes I really want it to end already and other times I'm sad it'll be over. Sometimes I feel like I need friends my own
age, but that's not it. I guess I feel stuck or behind. It's funny because I don't even want to hang out with people most of the time and yet I want
them to stay good friends with me. Friendship requires effort, I know... I'll learn to stop feeling suffocated one day. I wonder if I'm a narcissist. I haven't
heard from [redacted] lately so I hope she's okay. I was missing her. I'm very grateful I was born and am alive, everything is beautiful. I love everyone so
much and I wish I was a better person and friend.
14.12.23
My birthday is coming up pretty soon. [Redacted] bought me so much stuff! I'm so excited. These pink boots that have butterflies on them. We hung out with [redacted] recently
and I found out some things. I feel really bad and a little queasy. Dreams about [redacted] persist. [Redacted] is giving birth 2-5 days from Sunday. I'm worried for her.
19.11.23
I'm going to try to really focus this week. It's weighing on my mind, the thought that maybe I'm not smart or organised enough to complete it. Me and [redacted] have been
getting closer. He's a nice friend, he deserves better ones. Speaking of friends I guess I just like how [redacted] can give me space, we have similar interests... I just
spoke to [redacted] about it. Tomorrow will be a long day so I'll be sure to get some nice rest next to my [redacted] tonight.
22.10.23
I had a really nice day today. I slept last night in a caravan park with [redacted] as we went to visit his family which I realised was for his birthday when they started making
the cake. I was sick with mono for like two weeks so finally I got the chance to look presentable and have some fun. Well, the most fun I had was speaking to [redacted], singing
songs really loud in the car and eating. I wore the white shirt I got from [redacted] with this wonderful lacey tank underneath and my white spotted bra under, also the Levi's
jeans (+vans). I ate croissants, some meat, tuna pasta, lots of those foamy things and when I got home, a belgian sugar waffle with banana. Oh, and I was drinking orange juice the
whole time! We also went to the beach and they had arcade games, naturally I tried to win Tails. Regardless, I walked to the car Tailsless... but I bought something for [redacted]
so it's okai. I want to look nice and be girly and fun. I have an image in my head of how I want to look. I should probably do some work since I was off sick for so long but
it's too much T_T. I just want to have fun and relax. I'll go back to being studious though... can those co-exist? Very evidently while writing this, I'm noting how bad my
compulsions are getting, jeez. It's not really because [redacted] isn't here, though that's adding to it. I'm getting intrusive thoughts, especially with talks of the war, and I am
struggling to write this. I want to say more, but I'm really irritated. There are consequences to your actions. I'm gonna EXPLODE!
26.09.23
Today is a Tuesday. It's just before school, 8:36am. I wanted to say hey. I've been feeling very appreciative of my friends. [Redacted], last weekend, stayed over two nights. It
certainly wasn't the plan but we watched lots of movies. She left really early in the morning, like bam. Anyway, it was fun. The days before that, on the Friday, I hung out with
[redacted] and [redacted]. We made it so we hang out every Friday, which is cool with me. I really appreciate them all. I can't wait to just be rid of all this extra schoolwork. I
have to go to school now, signing off. BAI!
20.09.23
I am a horrible communicator even when imitating others. I try to become better but I remain insufferable. There have been random moments in my day where I feel like this. So
hopeless, done for. I'm applying. I don't know if I'll get in, but why not at least try to? I need to try to be happier. I still can't talk about it. I saw [redacted]'s brother, I
felt sick. Maybe I am being harsh on myself. I'm not that bad - I don't try to bring everyone else's mood down. How can someone both desperatly desire attention and feel the need to be
hidden? Sometimes I don't want to speak to anyone at all. It's raining so hard. At this moment I want to speak. Just not about that. I feel guilty, I'm not the best friend. No, no
more 'benefits of the doubts' for you buddy. If people could change then he would have. You would have, too. Have I changed? I don't feel any different, just nauseous. Not as bad
as last year, though. I have actually been busy with school. I've been working hard on my coursework, finished reading the book. Read a poem. I want to be cute. Thanks for being
here with me.
07.09.23
I am back from Italy. It was fun, very stressful but I'm glad that I got to experience that kind of stress, especially with someone I really appreciate like [redacted].
School starts tomorrow and I am stressed as frick. It's going to be really hot, most likely for the entire day (until 3:00pm), and I'm not in any classes or form with [redacted].
Hopefully it will go okay, I mean, either way I'm going to have to do it, so. I have gotten through many years of this, what's another one? I picked another book for my coursework so I got an extension.
I'm going to try to read at least 20 pages a day. I'm starting to prefer to just say what I truly think. I have begun to increasingly feel a deep discomfort in my chest when speaking about
sex or [redacted], like there is a barrier that won't allow me to speak anymore. I did [redacted] and it only made me want to sit still and hide. I don't really know what to do about it.
I'm not sure I can even write it down. I'm not sure I can even believe myself. I forget. On a lighter note, me and [redacted] have been watching VD, and our anniversary is
tomorrow. Excited to spend more time with him, so much so that I'm rushing this to go back to him. I love him. It was nice speaking here with you.
14.09.23
I want to be someone kind who you can always confide in and rely to remain morally sane. I am going to become that person. I swear. Anyway, with that being said, I really regret some of the things that I have said about [redacted], I'm sorry. We did hang out and it was lovely. I want to be my own person.